summer changes

When I had 4 kids under 10 and it was summer vacation, it was not really a vacation for mom. I remember days spent wishing for just 30 minutes of peace, so I could read a book or take a nap in the sun. I spent my days doing all the same stuff I did all school year, dressing the baby, making breakfast , cleaning the kitchen, doing some laundry, picking up after the kids, making lunches, and trying to keep everyone entertained and somewhat educated and happy! I signed them up for camps to teach them things and keep them busy,soccer and summer fun camp, but then I had to be sure they were dressed and sunscreened and delivered, sack lunch in hand. I am exhausted just remembering all this.
Now, I sleep until the dogs wake me up at 6 and then 7. I spend 30 minutes feeding and walking dogs but then I am pretty well done with them for awhile. There is still laundry and dishes but no children to entertain. I do still have to drive Niki places but come the fall I won't even have to do that! What will I do then? I am having serious trouble settling to a task so far this summer. If I have a deadline I can rush around and get stuff done but otherwise, I waste lots of time on this computer. Yes, farming but also reading blogs and answering emails and deleting emails!
At this moment there is no-one at home but me and the dogs. Both kids slept over at the Mullen's last night for Haley's party. Niki came home after a run, took a shower, ate an egg and then I drove her back. I am trying to focus this AM. Cleaned up the kitchen, started a load of clothes but now look where I am, meanwhile I have clothes to fold, an entire Eagle album to make, a craft booth to prepare for, an Eagle ceremony to plan...Sigh...
I have lots of time to read and I do enjoy reading so much, but it feels wrong to have so much time. I mentioned to Curt that I was out of sorts and he said, well you better figure it out because Niki will be gone in 3 years and then what will you do? While not the kindest advice, it is true. I had better start getting some self motivation to accomplish what I have to accomplish and what I want to do or I will end up entirely useless, probably actually watching soap operas and eating bonbons like I always joke about doing!
I miss my little kids, I miss the zoo and Disney movies and blowing bubbles in the back yard. Why is life a feast or famine thing??? Why can't I have little kids and an occasional day to myself? Why do I have all this time to myself and not take advantage of it ?? sigh.............
Alright, off to fold and gather crafts and then scrap!!!! Gotta get this done!

Bittersweet

It has not gotten easier...just more familiar. At least I recognize the signs, avoidance by sleeping or mindless TV/blogs, kinda cranky, close to tears all the time... this means I do not want to deal with the emotions of separation and change that are coming. No matter what I do things will change, children grow up and then move away...I suppose that is my job, to nurture them into adulthood but the letting go is tough.
Sean is at school right now for the last time...checking out, turning in books etc. I hope he is more excited than I am. He should be excited and this should be about him. I just feel such a sense of loss. I guess it is a bit like like losing a long time job but also like a really good friend moving away. My baby boy has been with me for 18 years!! I know he isn't leaving yet but this is the symbolic parting/ending. I will miss my clever, witty, talented, adorable, sweet boy.
I honestly can not write anymore, I feel like my heart is breaking, really, physically aching...
No-one said graduation would be the hardest part of having a baby!!